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O que há de errado comigo ? Eu não sei nada e continuo limpo.

Especial aniversário [5]

I’m gay and one day my dad looks at me and say: “So, what is that the two of you do ? What do you do ?”
And I said : “Well dad, you know all that things you really wish mom would do, but she won’t ? That’s what we do.”
Jim David

Talking of masturbation, I was reading this article on autoerotic asphyxiation. Some guys actually choke themselves with a belt while they’re doing it. I read like eight hundred men a year died doing this. I was like : No way. Not eight hundred.

Then I remembered how many time I nearly killed myself with just conventional masturbation.
Todd Barry

Indian people are cheap. People say Jews are cheap. Jews aren’t actually cheap. Jews will spend the money if they think it’s worth.

A Jew will grab a shirt and goes : “I don’t know… alright. It feels like it’s good material. Here’s my money”.But a Indian guy is like : “I don’t’ know… I could probably gets this made for 4 dolares.”
Russel Peters

Revolutionary liberal, that sounds better to me, I think. Storm the House of Parliament, kick the fucking doors in, get in there and say : “Look, we’ll pay for the damage".

Have a revolution, just budget for it, yeah ?
Eddie Izzard

I heard one thing on the television the other day that only a woman could said and of course, everyone in the audience pretend this was true.
She said : “A couple should explore their mutual fantasies”.
There are no such things as mutual fantasies. Yours bore us, ours offend you.
Ladies trust me. There is no fantasy where a handsome prince runs to you across a meadow and takes you with is arms and pledges is undying love … and then comes on your face.
That would be a mutual fantasy.
Bill Maher

Last year I had difficulty with my income tax. I tried to take my analyst off as a business deduction. The government said it was entertainment. We compromised and he made it a religious contribution.

And I found a corporation this year and I’m the president. My mother is vice-president and my father is secretary. My grandmother is treasurer, my uncle is on the board of directors and they got together the first week and try to squeeze me out. Then I found a power-block with my uncle and we send my grandmother to jail.
Woody Allen

People say all the time : “Lesbians hate men. Lesbians hate men. Lesbians hate men”.

Well, how can that be ? They don’t have to fuck them.
Rosanne Barr

I’m from the Midwest and I moved to Los Angeles. And I knew nothing about the Mexican culture. Like Cinco de Mayo, I didn’t even know what it was. My neighbour is Mexican and I asked him.
I mean, in the Midwest we call it Tuesday, you know ... I ask him, I go : “What is it ?”
He said : “It’s our independence day”
I go : “Who do you beat ?”
He goes : “The french”.
And I’m like : “Well, who didn’t ?”
Kathleen Madigan

It’s tornado season, and I saw a couple been interviewed on CNN. And the reason was even a tornado was coming towards their house, they refused to move. Even thou their house were on wheels…

And during the interview, the man, with his arm around his wife, was asked by the journalist : “Why aren’t you going ?”. He said : “God will protect us”.
And I thought : Who do you think is sending the tornado ?
Jimmy Carr

Women wanna give us men credit for be complicated. They don’t know. That’s what you get with us. We freak them out. I got a woman friend come over the other day and she was all upset like : “Jake, I don’t understand how can a man wanna have sex with a plastic doll”.She saw one of those inflated sex dolls in a bachelor party.
She’s like : “How can a man wanna have sex with a plastic doll ? How can a man wanna put his penis is a plastic doll ?”
And I said : “Well… it’s not plan A. I can’t say for sure, but I think we can a assume that a series of things went wrong to lead up to that plastic doll“
Jake Johannsen

Global warming ? Listen, this sounded legit to me, so I thought I better do some research, I don’t want to piss way on this one, till I know what’s up. I’ve got kids.
Well, there’s a lot of different data, but as far as I can gather, the crocks of it is over the last hundred years the temperature of this planet has gone up 1.8 degrees.

Am I the only one who finds that amazingly stabile ? You know something … I’m kind of glad it went up. I’m always a little chilly anyway.
But the environmentalists they don’t want ear it. They get really cranky. They’ll give you that guilt card.
- So what about your kids ?
- Of course I love my kids. I hope they live to be a hundred. It’s another 1.8.
Then they give you :- What about your kids kids ?
- 3.6 … I mean…I just tell them we move to Phoenix or something.
Then they get really crazy on you.- What about your kids kids kids kids kids kids kids ?
- Well, I never gonna meet them. I’d like to tell you they matter, but they don’t. You get around four kids out there… I don’t give a shit anymore. I assume I’ve had relatives thousands years ago who could care less about me. “Well, should I leave the cave today and use a bland instrument to kill a mammoth to get some meat or should I get ready for Dennis’s arrival in the mid nineteenth hundreds ?”
Dennis Miller

Some girls shave their pussies, and I can’t believe that they start doing that for us. I mean, I thought the vagina on its own was perfect. I didn’t think there be anything you could do to make it better, and one day girls were like : “What if you can see it better …?”. And we’re like : “You’re always thinking, aren’t you ? You girls with your crazy vaginas …”.

Just when you think you see all the wonders that a vagina has to offer… - Hey! Better visibility.
Mitch Fatel

White women make me real nervous. Like at night when they’re by themselves walking towards me. And she can be nervous too, I’m a big dude. She might think “Oh Jesus, there’s a big black guy towards me …”. And I’m thinking : “Oh Jesus, I hope nobody kills this white women, cause I’m gonna get blamed for it.”

That’s why I do a lot of stuff to protect me. I keep my receipts. I collect receipts. Cause that’s a track where you’ve been. Everywhere I go, I get a receipt, and I never go more than half hour without buying something cause you can kill somebody in half hour.
You need an alibi, you know. So, every fifteen minutes I buy something … a stick of gum …”Can I get a receipt for that, please ?”

- “We don’t have receipts for gum, my friend”
- “Well, you gonna have to write me one or something…I've got to have a receipt”
- “I already tell you, we don’t have receipts”.
And if it’s like that, I just argue with him. So he remembers me, you know what I mean ?

- “Gimme my receipt pussy”
- “What ? What ? Kiss my ass !”
- “Yeah, yeah. Kiss my ass too. What time is it ?“
- “Five fifteen !”
- “All right, I’m good”
And that’s way I don’t throw garbage in the street. It’s not because I care about the earth, but I’m afraid I’ll be walking in the park, drinking a soda, and when I’m done throw it over my shoulder, fly over the bush and land on some dead white women head with my fingerprints on the can. Now I’m the Pepsi- Cola rapist because I’m lazy.
Patrice O’Neal

You know, I’m in my thirties and I love playing video games. Love it. I’m not afraid to admit it. Every girl I’ve dated always says the something to me: “You’re too old to play video games. That’s stupid for somebody your age to be in the video games”.

The reason why I like to play video games so much is I can eventually figure it out a video game. I can eventually figure it out what to do right or what to do wrong in a video game. In a relationship I can’t.
And until I can go online to find a cheat code to deal with women… until I can find a way when you came out and start to beaching at me, I can go : “Triangle, square, square, circle, I won…R2, R2”
John Heffron

Guys don’t have the pressure to look good. We can be hundred pounds overweight, we look in the mirror : “Well, that’s look alright”.

We look at ourselves on the mirror the way we look at women when we’re drunk : “I fuck that”
Nick de Paolo

Clinton is a famous man. I’ve dreamt of being famous, but I never dreamt of being that famous. I never understood of how famous a President was.
Imagine if someone could suck your dick and then their famous, you understand what I’m saying ? That’s crazy. No guy ever thought of that. There’s nobody with a pickup line that good : “Hey, suck my dick. There’s a future in it.”
Dave Chapelle

I go to a psychiatrist now. She hates my guts. She said I suffer from delusions of sexual superiority.She just want to fuck me. Get in line, lady.
Jeremy Hotz

There was a time on my life I've dream on being a professional athlete. And then I thought, well, I just wanna be a great athlete, I gonna play basketball all the time, I love sports And then, I just wanna be in good cardiovascular shape.
Now ... I just don't wanna have tits.
Dom Irrera

There are definitely places that gay people don’t belong. Like the emergency room. Especially for lesbian, because they ask you all that questions, and you have no answers for :

- Well, Miss Westenhoefer, do you think you can’t tell us when the last day of your period was ?
- No, I have no idea... Annie ? I’m sorry, I’m not using it for anything, so I don’t really keep track.
And God forbid you getting an x-ray :
- Miss Westenhoefer, is there any chance at all that you could be pregnant ?
- No.- Well, are you sexually active ?
- You bet.
- So, what form of birth control do you use ?
- That’s funny… well, actually, we don’t use sperm.
Suzanne Westenhoefer

Someday I want to have kids, and I like to get married, and I don’t know what my wife gonna believes in and I wanna respect her superstitions, you know. So there’s a question how we’re gonna raise our kids but I think I’ve hit upon the perfect solution.

I decided I’m gonna raise my kids to be amish, you know. I can teach that hard working ethic in them, that sense of morals but it will be problems.I’m sure there will be occasions like :”Daddy, how come we never get to watch television or play videogames and you always get to watch television or play videogames, and you get to have the lights on, and we never do… how come you do ?"
“Well, sweetheart, that’s because daddy’s not amish. See, you are dear, that’s what you believe in. Now be a good boy, go upstairs to bed. Got to get up early and harvest my breakfast. Come on, I see you peeking…baby, go to bed… Ahh amish kids…their something.”
David Cross

I learn this on Trivial Pursuit. This is how the golden eagle mate. The male and female go both three miles high and start going 80 miles an hour. And then they connect and start dropping. And they don’t stop dropping until the act is completed. So, it’s not uncommon they both fall all the way to the ground, hit the ground and both of them die. That’s how committed they are to this.

I don’t know about you, but if I’m one of these two birds, you getting close to the ground, I seriously consider faking it.
Ellen DeGeneres

You know when you go to a restaurant and they have a waiting list and star calling out names. They say like : “Dufrene, party of two. Table ready for Dufrene, party of two.”. And if no one answer, they say the name again: “Dufrene, party of two”.
But then, if no one answer they just go to the next name: “Bush, party of three”.
Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrene’s ? No one seems to care. Who can eat on a time like this. People are missing. The Dufrene’s are in someone truck right now with duct tape all over their mouth. And their hungry. We need help. “Bush, search party of three. You can eat when we find the Dufrene’s”.
Mitch Hedberg

There’s a problem in the priesthood. These little kids will not keep their mouth shut, and I think it’s wrong. And the saddest part is that the kids didn’t want to go to church to begin with. It’s boring.

It’s not like you’re molested at camp. Now, there’s excitement. You’re outdoors and you learn shit. Like : “Hey, I was molested but now I know how to canoe. All right."
Dave Attell

I find interesting that when a woman can’t climax it’s our fucking fault, but when we can’t get an erection, we have to go to the doctor.
Carlos Mencia

All religions are the same. I mean religion is basically… guilt with different holydays.
Cathy Ladman

I’d like to meet the chick that invented the blowjob, you know ? What an ingenious idea.

Can you imagine, you’re the first chick ? Think of it.I mean, you’re in a car, nobody’s ever done it, right ? You’re making out with this guy, you thinking: “You know what ? I’m feeling something.” All of a sudden these signals start crossing your brain. And you’re thinking: “I wanna take this guy’s big hairy sweaty cock in my mouth”.
I would shake your hand for that.
Andrew Dice Clay

Not all drugs are good. Some are great.
Bill Hicks

You ever notice all the women that are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place
George Carlin

A guy in Oregon got arrested for animal necrophilia, that’s having sex with death animals, and it’s a felony. That’s kind of weird that they have to write a law to tell us that is wrong.If you got busted for that, what you could possible tell the judge : “Well you Honour, I thought that cat was still alive when I was fucking him. I wouldn’t fuck a death cat, that’s sick.”
Robbert Schimmel

So my eye doctor told me this : You know you have one eye set a litter bit higher than your other eye ?
No, I didn’t know that.He goes : It's no big deal, It doesn’t affect your vision or anything, I just thought you might wanna be self conscious for the rest of your life.
Brian Regan

My fondest childhood memory is when I was 12 years old. I made out with my babysitter Cathy. She’s stop in the meddle of everything : “We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore”.

I said : “Why ? I’m not paying you. My parents are.
Adam Ferrara

I had sex recently. I took out the box of condoms. She takes the box from my hands, look at it and goes : “Hey Tood, good choice”.

Good choice ??. Now, I didn’t expect her to be a virgin, but this is no time to show brand loyalty.
Todd Barry

Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.
Robin Williams

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
Wendy Liebman

Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates ? Naps! End of list.
Dennis Leary

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
Demetri Martin
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