Relações políticas
31.7.06
Um interessante mapa interactivo onde os vários países e organizações interagem entre si atraindo-se ou repelindo-se conforme as relações políticas entre si.
A Fonte
O que há de errado comigo ? Eu não sei nada e continuo limpo.
Delicioso
Imagens das meninas dos Morangos com Açucar nuas numa pausa das gravações !
Estes gajos nunca me enganaram
30.7.06
No Softpedia NewsHowever, the capacity to distinguish the name itself (the content) from the sound may mean that dolphins do more than that. It may mean one could call another one by using its name. And it may even mean that two dolphins could speak about a third referring to it by its name. The capacity of discerning the modulation from the sound is a necessary condition for such a communication. But if they actually do such things still remains to be seen. However, one could ask what this capacity is good for if not for calling each other of maybe even for talking about third parties. So, do dolphins gossip? We don't know yet.
Eu choro pelos pais com filhos entre os 5 e 10 anos
29.7.06
E lembrem-se sempre : as crianças não têm culpa !
Mais um a caminho do Brasil
(Imagem retirada do Verbo Jurídico Blog)
O Sr. José Lopes Cardoso, motorista profissional a trabalhar para o Estado no Ministério dos Negócios Estrangeiros, estava “especialmente” (leia-se : sempre que fosse preciso), encarregado do “apoio automóvel” (tradução : Ó Cardoso, leve-me às Amoreiras e depois deixe o menino na Maxmen) da "família directa" (não perguntem - deve ser um termo jurídico) do Prof.Dr.Diogo Freitas do Amaral.
No entanto, quando “por uma razão, ou por outra”, a “família mais próxima” (mais próxima é mais afastado do que directa, por isso devem ser os primos e as tias), precisava dos seus serviços, o Cardoso não desiludia, antes pelo contrário. Inclusivamente, os conduzidos gostaram tanto que fizeram questão de o transmitir ao primo e sobrinho.
O que me leva assim à seguinte questão : Por que é que o Sr.Ministro não refere que a “família directa” também gostava muito dos serviços do motorista, quando este até lhes estava “especialmente” atribuído ? Lendo bem o louvor, é impossível não reparar que as inúmeras qualidades do Sr.José Lopes Cardoso são fruto apenas da opinião do Prof. Freitas do Amaral, e assim sendo, só podemos concluir que o trabalho do Cardoso não agradou à ”família directa”.
Tentando adivinhar os motivos, penso que devem residir nas viagens não programadas que, “por uma razão, ou por outra”, ele tinha que fazer para a “família mais próxima”, donde se conclui que o pobre homem devia trabalhar em permanente stress. No espelho retrovisor, o olhar desconfiado da “família directa” e no telemóvel, à espera de uma folga, 17 chamadas não atendidas da “família mais próxima”.
Por isso, e porque imagino que não deve ter sido fácil, também eu aqui louvo o Sr. José Lopes Cardoso, e espero que a bem dele o Ministério dos Negócios Estrangeiros tenha aprendido a lição : O nosso herói não precisa de louvores, precisa é de um colega.
Efeitos positivos da tortura
No Público
Maria João Pires troca Belgais por nova vida no Brasil. Pianista deixa para trás “tortura sofrida durante anos” em Portugal.
Maria João Pires troca Belgais por nova vida no Brasil. Pianista deixa para trás “tortura sofrida durante anos” em Portugal.
Genial
Quantas pessoas escreverão abrupto.com ou abrupto.net com a intenção de ir ao “blog do Pacheco Pereira” ? Centenas ? Milhares ? Pois bem, o Tiago Azevedo Fernandes pensou nisso antes de toda a gente e descobrindo que os domínios estavam livres, rapidamente os registou. No entanto, e como a sua intenção não era de a impedir o José Pacheco Pereira de, querendo, passar o Abrupto para um domínio com o mesmo nome, logo os disponibilizou ao próprio Pacheco Pereira, sem qualquer custo.
A razão, penso eu, foi esta : Enquanto o Abrupto continuar no Blogger, ou noutro qualquer que não sejam os referidos, quem tentar entrar no blog escrevendo abrupto.com ou abrupto.net vai parar a esta página onde encontra a explicação do engano, mas também, o 7arte.net, que é um site sobre cinema em Portugal e mantido pelo Tiago.
O Tiago viu a oportunidade e inteligentemente agarrou-a, porque esta simples página da net é um autêntico outdoor virtual e vale mais em termos de publicidade para o 7arte.net do que um anúncio em primetime na televisão.
De referir ainda que o Tiago teve o bom senso de não tentar “empurrar” os desenganados para o site que lhe interessava. Com uma linguagem clara e simples alerta os visitantes para o engano “fornecendo“ inclusive o link para o Abrupto e só depois é que sugere uma visita ao 7arte. O Tiago percebeu que tentar reencaminhar de forma dissimulada um visitante “enganado” para um determinado site apenas leva a que esse mesmo visitante o rejeite, pois ninguém gosta de ser manobrado. Lembrar ainda que ninguém é atraído para o engano, pois se não aparecesse esta página, aparecia “Page not found”, ou seja, no fundo a página até acaba por facilitar a vida a quem procura o Abrupto.
Termino dizendo que eu tirei estas conclusões a partir deste comentário no Tiago no Blasfémias. No entanto, pode não ter sido nada disto o que se passou. Pode ter sido outra razão qualquer e se assim foi desde já peço desculpa aos visados.
A razão, penso eu, foi esta : Enquanto o Abrupto continuar no Blogger, ou noutro qualquer que não sejam os referidos, quem tentar entrar no blog escrevendo abrupto.com ou abrupto.net vai parar a esta página onde encontra a explicação do engano, mas também, o 7arte.net, que é um site sobre cinema em Portugal e mantido pelo Tiago.
O Tiago viu a oportunidade e inteligentemente agarrou-a, porque esta simples página da net é um autêntico outdoor virtual e vale mais em termos de publicidade para o 7arte.net do que um anúncio em primetime na televisão.
De referir ainda que o Tiago teve o bom senso de não tentar “empurrar” os desenganados para o site que lhe interessava. Com uma linguagem clara e simples alerta os visitantes para o engano “fornecendo“ inclusive o link para o Abrupto e só depois é que sugere uma visita ao 7arte. O Tiago percebeu que tentar reencaminhar de forma dissimulada um visitante “enganado” para um determinado site apenas leva a que esse mesmo visitante o rejeite, pois ninguém gosta de ser manobrado. Lembrar ainda que ninguém é atraído para o engano, pois se não aparecesse esta página, aparecia “Page not found”, ou seja, no fundo a página até acaba por facilitar a vida a quem procura o Abrupto.
Termino dizendo que eu tirei estas conclusões a partir deste comentário no Tiago no Blasfémias. No entanto, pode não ter sido nada disto o que se passou. Pode ter sido outra razão qualquer e se assim foi desde já peço desculpa aos visados.
Não é um bot, JPP. Não é um bot.
27.7.06
Hoje somos todos Abrupto.
26.7.06A primeira vista, seria de esperar que um ataque pirata ao Abrupto suscitasse uma maior reacção pela blogosfera fora. Mas não é isso que está a acontecer. Confesso que ainda não consegui perceber se é por causa do autor, se é por ser na casa do vizinho ou um misto das duas. O certo é que não se vêm grandes movimentações. A excepção é o Manifesto Pró-Pacheco Pereira do RAP no Gato Fedorento, a que cheguei via Breviário das Coisas Breves, porque a visão do Technorati é desoladora : apenas 54 resultados. É pouco. Muito pouco.
Assim, e em fraterna solidariedade com o José Pacheco Pereira , declaro que hoje este blog também é Abrupto. E apelo a todos que amam a liberdade de bloggar para que se juntem a esta onda positiva, porque se deixamos de ter os Early Morning Blogs, os piratas ganham.
Assim, e em fraterna solidariedade com o José Pacheco Pereira , declaro que hoje este blog também é Abrupto. E apelo a todos que amam a liberdade de bloggar para que se juntem a esta onda positiva, porque se deixamos de ter os Early Morning Blogs, os piratas ganham.
Os logos comemorativos do Google são já um pequeno acontecimento da Internet. A pessoa que os desenha é Dennis Hwang, um técnico da Google desde 2000, 
e a oportunidade surgiu quando num belo dia os fundadores Larry Page and Sergey Brin descobriram que ele tinha formação em arte e pediram-lhe para tentar desenhar um logo. Assim foi, e desde daí uma parte do seu trabalho na empresa é desenhar os bem imaginativos logos comemorativos, como este de 2005, que lembra o nascimento de Leonard da Vinci, ou este outro, de 2004, que recorda o nascimento de Einstein.
e a oportunidade surgiu quando num belo dia os fundadores Larry Page and Sergey Brin descobriram que ele tinha formação em arte e pediram-lhe para tentar desenhar um logo. Assim foi, e desde daí uma parte do seu trabalho na empresa é desenhar os bem imaginativos logos comemorativos, como este de 2005, que lembra o nascimento de Leonard da Vinci, ou este outro, de 2004, que recorda o nascimento de Einstein.Pequenas Irritações
Animadores da rádio que falam no princípio das músicas
Já vos aconteceu estar a ouvir uma rádio qualquer dessas muito modernas, tipo Rádio Comercial ou Antena 3, e o animador de serviço anunciar uma música, começar a passá-la e não fechar a puta da matraca enquanto o vocalista não começa a cantar ?
Estas bestas acham que uma canção só tem interesse a partir do momento em que alguém começa a cantar, porque até lá fazem o possível e o impossível para não nos deixar ouvir a música em paz. E para piorar ainda mais as coisas, enchem-nos de informações inúteis, piadas ridículas, comentários idiotas, etc, etc. Praticamente qualquer coisa lhes serve para obterem o esplendoroso momento de se calarem e no segundo seguinte, como que por magia, a música “começar”.
O timming, de resto, é espantoso, se considerarmos que estamos perante um símio. Bem arranjadinho, lavadinho e com capacidade de utilizar o polegar, mas mesmo assim um símio.
faltam 24 segundos … já a seguir, U2 com Discotheque … 21 segundos … o Nuno Markl está atrasado … 19 segundos … é sempre o mesmo … 17 segundos … Ah!Ah!... 16 segundos... a seguir vamos falar dos ….15 segundos … festivas de Verão … 14 segundos … onde vamos estar … 12 segundos … com toda a força … 11 segundos … e o que tem que ser …. 9 segundos … tem muita força …. 8 segundos …. Ah!Ah!Ah! … 7 segundos... Ah!Ah! … 6 segundos … estão 26 graus … 5 segundos … está calor … 4 segundos… de Verão … 3 segundos … Ah!Ah!Ah! … 2 segundos … U2... 1 segundo ... Discotheque …. (entra Bono) You can reach - But you can't grab it - You can hold it, control it - No, you can't bag it …
Human Games
25.7.06
Human Invaders
Human Pong
Human Pong
Stand Up Comedy
Shakespeare said first : "Kill all the lawyers". I've been doing some thinking.I think we could get away with it, because if you kill all of them, at our murder trial, we wouldn't have adequate representation.
Dennis Miller
(dedicado à Ordem dos Advogados)
The Middle East Buddy List
24.7.06
No fim é sempre assim : zangaram-se as comadres, sabem-se as verdades. Não querem saber que o meu barbeiro disse-me que Israel não gosta do Hezbollah porque este já namorou com o Síria, mesmo quando esta andava enrolada com um motorista de táxi do Hamas, que por sua vez a traía com uma vendedora do Líbano. O pior foi quando veio a saber que por detrás da burca estava um gajo barbudo da al-Qaida, com casamento já prometido no Hamas a troco de 35 ovelhas e quatro mísseis Shahab-1. 
Ciumento, o Líbano, corta relações com a al-Qaida, passando a ir para a cama com a União Europeia, que tinha e tem um segredo qualquer escondido, e certamente escabroso, com o Hamas. E não sei mais nada.
Ciumento, o Líbano, corta relações com a al-Qaida, passando a ir para a cama com a União Europeia, que tinha e tem um segredo qualquer escondido, e certamente escabroso, com o Hamas. E não sei mais nada.Stand Up Comedy
Do you think that when gym teachers were young they thought “You know, I think I wanna teach, but I don’t wanna read…”
Jim Gaffigan
Jim Gaffigan
You’re gonna die soon …
Sarah Silverman, numa comovente canção para animar os velhinhos …
You’re gonna die soon …
You’re gonna die soon …
It’s not cold in here, you’re just dying
You’re gonna die soon …
You’re gonna die soon …
You in the back, you are dying soon …
Água da Fonte
Hey guys, you’re been talking to your wife or girlfriend and you find yourself in the doghouse and you don’t know why ?
I tell you why. It’s because we don’t know when to shut up …
Shoulda Shut Up
Bill Engvall
I tell you why. It’s because we don’t know when to shut up …
Shoulda Shut Up
Bill Engvall
As Mais Belas Rotundas de Portugal
23.7.06
Mais uma feliz iniciativa do Pedro Santos Cardoso e do David Afonso do Dolo Eventual. Depois dos Caminhos de Portugal e d'O Eleito, lançam agora As Mais Belas Rotundas de Portugal. Vão lá ver que vale a pena.
Na imagem, a Rotunda da Nora em Mirandela.
Na imagem, a Rotunda da Nora em Mirandela.
Lamechices
Smoke This
Ian Gillian dos Deep Purple está a promover um concurso para quem conseguir cantar e/ou tocar o "Smoke on the Water". O vencedor uma viagem a Las Vegas para tocar com o próprio Ian na House of Blues.
Another brick in the wall ...
22.7.06
Estereograma
Efeitos positivos da guerra Israel-Hezbollah
21.7.06Segundo uma portuguesa que chegou hoje de Beirute, foi bombardeado um convento de freiras.
Profissão : Blogger
Um senhor chamado Charles Jolley, presidente da empresa de software Sprout It, decidiu, naquilo que ele chama de “social sponsorship”, promover um concurso, de nome Blog For A Year, em que a finalidade é alguém ser pago para manter um blog durante um ano.
A escolha vai ser feita no dia 1 de Janeiro de 2008, através de votação online dos bloggers que estejam inscritos, sendo que o vencedor pode receber até 80.000 dólares. Quem quiser, pode ainda nomear outra pessoa para o concurso.
Uma ideia original, sem dúvida.
A escolha vai ser feita no dia 1 de Janeiro de 2008, através de votação online dos bloggers que estejam inscritos, sendo que o vencedor pode receber até 80.000 dólares. Quem quiser, pode ainda nomear outra pessoa para o concurso.
Uma ideia original, sem dúvida.
Idiota Day
20.7.06
Hoje é o dia do World Jump Day.
A esta hora, já aconteceram duas coisas. O mundo continua na sua órbita e o Sr. Torsten Lauschmann já encheu os bolsos à custa de todos os idiotas que aderiram a esta ideia.
A explicação, escrevi-a no dia 18 de Junho do ano passado, quando esta banha da cobra começava a dar os primeiros passos.
Reformas
Quem se reformar daqui a 25 anos recebe menos 23% de pensão
As pessoas que se reformarem em 2030 deverão sofrer, em média, um corte nas pensões de 23%, noticia hoje o Jornal de Negócios. São os jovens, que entraram recentemente no mercado de trabalho, que vão sofrer mais.
Assim de repente poderia pensar-se que isto seria uma má notícia para quem, como eu, tem 35 anos de idade e 16 de descontos. No entanto, a verdade é que eu não me preocupo muito com este tipo de parangonas. Francamente, achar que em Portugal dentro de 25 anos vamos ver os resultados das políticas que estão a ser seguidas neste momento, não só é ingénuo como é um risco.
Se a política portuguesa seguir o caminho que tem trilhado até agora, nos próximos 25 anos vamos ter, mais coisa menos coisa, 10 legislaturas e 11 Primeiro-Ministros. Enfim, mais coisa menos coisa... Continuando este raciocínio, multiplica-se por dois e temos o número de ministros responsáveis pelo sector por cada governo. Multiplique-se ainda por 1,5, (que é o número de vezes que cada ministro vai ele próprio mudar de política), e temos o número total de vezes que a política da Segurança Social vai mudar nos próximos 25 anos.
Equacionando :
Se a política portuguesa seguir o caminho que tem trilhado até agora, nos próximos 25 anos vamos ter, mais coisa menos coisa, 10 legislaturas e 11 Primeiro-Ministros. Enfim, mais coisa menos coisa... Continuando este raciocínio, multiplica-se por dois e temos o número de ministros responsáveis pelo sector por cada governo. Multiplique-se ainda por 1,5, (que é o número de vezes que cada ministro vai ele próprio mudar de política), e temos o número total de vezes que a política da Segurança Social vai mudar nos próximos 25 anos.
Equacionando :
Mudanças da política da Seg.Social nos próximos 25 anos = 11 PM x 2 M x 1.5 mP = 33.
A realidade, que cada vez mais se torna clara, é que provavelmente nunca mais iremos ver a cor do dinheiro que gentilmente descontamos até agora. E os governos, este e os próximos, se fossem um bocadinho mais honestos e corajosos, diziam isso mesmo e paravam de nos tentar enganar.
A realidade, que cada vez mais se torna clara, é que provavelmente nunca mais iremos ver a cor do dinheiro que gentilmente descontamos até agora. E os governos, este e os próximos, se fossem um bocadinho mais honestos e corajosos, diziam isso mesmo e paravam de nos tentar enganar.
Save the ABRUPTO
Apenas começamos
19.7.06
É hora da agradável tarefa de pagar um copo a todos os amigos que desde Segunda tiveram a gentileza de me cumprimentar por este aniversário. Nomeadamente ao Salvador da Biblioteca de Babel, ao Diogo da Cooperativa, ao Karloos do Licenciosidades, ao Pedro Santos Cardoso e David Afonso do Dolo Eventual, ao Amafas do Profi Trolls, ao Mock do Isto não está com nada, ao ZB do Bilhardeiro, ao Paulo da Rosa dos Ventos, ao António Amaral e Adolfo Mesquita Nunes da Arte da Fuga, ao Bruno Gonçalves do Bodegas, ao João Luís Pinto do Small Brother, ao Pedro Azevedo da Linha do Horizonte e ao Rickster do Blogue Coiso. Se me escapou alguém, desde já peço desculpa.
A todos o meu obrigado e que de hoje a um ano aqui estejamos novamente. É sinal de que continuamos todos por aí, a rir e a cantar e a saltar e a chorar.
Quanto ao resto, como diz o Renato Russo - tudo passa, tudo passará.
E nossa história não estará
Pelo avesso assim sem final feliz
Teremos coisas bonitas prá contar
E até lá, vamos viver
Temos muito ainda por fazer.
Não olhe para trás – Apenas começamos.
O mundo começa agora – Apenas começamos.
Metal contra as nuvens
Legião Urbana
1991
A todos o meu obrigado e que de hoje a um ano aqui estejamos novamente. É sinal de que continuamos todos por aí, a rir e a cantar e a saltar e a chorar.
Quanto ao resto, como diz o Renato Russo - tudo passa, tudo passará.
E nossa história não estará
Pelo avesso assim sem final feliz
Teremos coisas bonitas prá contar
E até lá, vamos viver
Temos muito ainda por fazer.
Não olhe para trás – Apenas começamos.
O mundo começa agora – Apenas começamos.
Metal contra as nuvens
Legião Urbana
1991
e para terminar as comemorações ...
18.7.06
Especial aniversário [5]
I’m gay and one day my dad looks at me and say: “So, what is that the two of you do ? What do you do ?”
And I said : “Well dad, you know all that things you really wish mom would do, but she won’t ? That’s what we do.”
Jim David
Talking of masturbation, I was reading this article on autoerotic asphyxiation. Some guys actually choke themselves with a belt while they’re doing it. I read like eight hundred men a year died doing this. I was like : No way. Not eight hundred.
Then I remembered how many time I nearly killed myself with just conventional masturbation.
Todd Barry
Indian people are cheap. People say Jews are cheap. Jews aren’t actually cheap. Jews will spend the money if they think it’s worth.
A Jew will grab a shirt and goes : “I don’t know… alright. It feels like it’s good material. Here’s my money”.But a Indian guy is like : “I don’t’ know… I could probably gets this made for 4 dolares.”
Russel Peters
Revolutionary liberal, that sounds better to me, I think. Storm the House of Parliament, kick the fucking doors in, get in there and say : “Look, we’ll pay for the damage".
Have a revolution, just budget for it, yeah ?
Eddie Izzard
I heard one thing on the television the other day that only a woman could said and of course, everyone in the audience pretend this was true. She said : “A couple should explore their mutual fantasies”.
There are no such things as mutual fantasies. Yours bore us, ours offend you.
And I said : “Well dad, you know all that things you really wish mom would do, but she won’t ? That’s what we do.”
Jim David
Talking of masturbation, I was reading this article on autoerotic asphyxiation. Some guys actually choke themselves with a belt while they’re doing it. I read like eight hundred men a year died doing this. I was like : No way. Not eight hundred.Then I remembered how many time I nearly killed myself with just conventional masturbation.
Todd Barry
Indian people are cheap. People say Jews are cheap. Jews aren’t actually cheap. Jews will spend the money if they think it’s worth.
A Jew will grab a shirt and goes : “I don’t know… alright. It feels like it’s good material. Here’s my money”.But a Indian guy is like : “I don’t’ know… I could probably gets this made for 4 dolares.”
Russel Peters
Revolutionary liberal, that sounds better to me, I think. Storm the House of Parliament, kick the fucking doors in, get in there and say : “Look, we’ll pay for the damage".
Have a revolution, just budget for it, yeah ?
Eddie Izzard
I heard one thing on the television the other day that only a woman could said and of course, everyone in the audience pretend this was true. She said : “A couple should explore their mutual fantasies”.There are no such things as mutual fantasies. Yours bore us, ours offend you.
Ladies trust me. There is no fantasy where a handsome prince runs to you across a meadow and takes you with is arms and pledges is undying love … and then comes on your face.
That would be a mutual fantasy.
Bill Maher
Last year I had difficulty with my income tax. I tried to take my analyst off as a business deduction. The government said it was entertainment. We compromised and he made it a religious contribution.
And I found a corporation this year and I’m the president. My mother is vice-president and my father is secretary. My grandmother is treasurer, my uncle is on the board of directors and they got together the first week and try to squeeze me out. Then I found a power-block with my uncle and we send my grandmother to jail.
Woody Allen
People say all the time : “Lesbians hate men. Lesbians hate men. Lesbians hate men”.
Well, how can that be ? They don’t have to fuck them.
Rosanne Barr
I’m from the Midwest and I moved to Los Angeles. And I knew nothing about the Mexican culture. Like Cinco de Mayo, I didn’t even know what it was. My neighbour is Mexican and I asked him.
I mean, in the Midwest we call it Tuesday, you know ... I ask him, I go : “What is it ?”
He said : “It’s our independence day”
I go : “Who do you beat ?”
He goes : “The french”.
And I’m like : “Well, who didn’t ?”
Kathleen Madigan
It’s tornado season, and I saw a couple been interviewed on CNN. And the reason was even a tornado was coming towards their house, they refused to move. Even thou their house were on wheels…
And during the interview, the man, with his arm around his wife, was asked by the journalist : “Why aren’t you going ?”. He said : “God will protect us”.
And I thought : Who do you think is sending the tornado ?
Jimmy Carr
Women wanna give us men credit for be complicated. They don’t know. That’s what you get with us. We freak them out. I got a woman friend come over the other day and she was all upset like : “Jake, I don’t understand how can a man wanna have sex with a plastic doll”.She saw one of those inflated sex dolls in a bachelor party. She’s like : “How can a man wanna have sex with a plastic doll ? How can a man wanna put his penis is a plastic doll ?”
And I said : “Well… it’s not plan A. I can’t say for sure, but I think we can a assume that a series of things went wrong to lead up to that plastic doll“
Jake Johannsen
Global warming ? Listen, this sounded legit to me, so I thought I better do some research, I don’t want to piss way on this one, till I know what’s up. I’ve got kids.
Well, there’s a lot of different data, but as far as I can gather, the crocks of it is over the last hundred years the temperature of this planet has gone up 1.8 degrees.
Am I the only one who finds that amazingly stabile ? You know something … I’m kind of glad it went up. I’m always a little chilly anyway.
But the environmentalists they don’t want ear it. They get really cranky. They’ll give you that guilt card.
- So what about your kids ?
- Of course I love my kids. I hope they live to be a hundred. It’s another 1.8.
Then they give you :- What about your kids kids ?
- 3.6 … I mean…I just tell them we move to Phoenix or something.
Then they get really crazy on you.- What about your kids kids kids kids kids kids kids ?
- Well, I never gonna meet them. I’d like to tell you they matter, but they don’t. You get around four kids out there… I don’t give a shit anymore. I assume I’ve had relatives thousands years ago who could care less about me. “Well, should I leave the cave today and use a bland instrument to kill a mammoth to get some meat or should I get ready for Dennis’s arrival in the mid nineteenth hundreds ?”
Dennis Miller
Some girls shave their pussies, and I can’t believe that they start doing that for us. I mean, I thought the vagina on its own was perfect. I didn’t think there be anything you could do to make it better, and one day girls were like : “What if you can see it better …?”. And we’re like : “You’re always thinking, aren’t you ? You girls with your crazy vaginas …”.
Just when you think you see all the wonders that a vagina has to offer… - Hey! Better visibility.
Mitch Fatel
White women make me real nervous. Like at night when they’re by themselves walking towards
me. And she can be nervous too, I’m a big dude. She might think “Oh Jesus, there’s a big black guy towards me …”. And I’m thinking : “Oh Jesus, I hope nobody kills this white women, cause I’m gonna get blamed for it.”
That’s why I do a lot of stuff to protect me. I keep my receipts. I collect receipts. Cause that’s a track where you’ve been. Everywhere I go, I get a receipt, and I never go more than half hour without buying something cause you can kill somebody in half hour.
You need an alibi, you know. So, every fifteen minutes I buy something … a stick of gum …”Can I get a receipt for that, please ?”
- “We don’t have receipts for gum, my friend”
- “Well, you gonna have to write me one or something…I've got to have a receipt”
- “I already tell you, we don’t have receipts”.
And if it’s like that, I just argue with him. So he remembers me, you know what I mean ?
- “Gimme my receipt pussy”
- “What ? What ? Kiss my ass !”
- “Yeah, yeah. Kiss my ass too. What time is it ?“
- “Five fifteen !”
- “All right, I’m good”
And that’s way I don’t throw garbage in the street. It’s not because I care about the earth, but I’m afraid I’ll be walking in the park, drinking a soda, and when I’m done throw it over my shoulder, fly over the bush and land on some dead white women head with my fingerprints on the can. Now I’m the Pepsi- Cola rapist because I’m lazy.
Patrice O’Neal
You know, I’m in my thirties and I love playing video games. Love it. I’m not afraid to admit it. Every girl I’ve dated always says the something to me: “You’re too old to play video games. That’s stupid for somebody your age to be in the video games”.
The reason why I like to play video games so much is I can eventually figure it out a video game. I can eventually figure it out what to do right or what to do wrong in a video game. In a relationship I can’t.
And until I can go online to find a cheat code to deal with women… until I can find a way when you came out and start to beaching at me, I can go : “Triangle, square, square, circle, I won…R2, R2”
John Heffron
Guys don’t have the pressure to look good. We can be hundred pounds overweight, we look in the mirror : “Well, that’s look alright”.
We look at ourselves on the mirror the way we look at women when we’re drunk : “I fuck that”
Nick de Paolo
Clinton is a famous man. I’ve dreamt of being famous, but I never dreamt of being that famous. I never understood of how famous a President was.
Imagine if someone could suck your dick and then their famous, you understand what I’m saying ? That’s crazy. No guy ever thought of that. There’s nobody with a pickup line that good : “Hey, suck my dick. There’s a future in it.”
Dave Chapelle
I go to a psychiatrist now. She hates my guts. She said I suffer from delusions of sexual superiority.She just want to fuck me. Get in line, lady.
Jeremy Hotz
There was a time on my life I've dream on being a professional athlete. And then I thought, well, I just wanna be a great athlete, I gonna play basketball all the time, I love sports And then, I just wanna be in good cardiovascular shape.
Now ... I just don't wanna have tits.
Dom Irrera
There are definitely places that gay people don’t belong. Like the emergency room. Especially for lesbian, because they ask you all that questions, and you have no answers for :
- Well, Miss Westenhoefer, do you think you can’t tell us when the last day of your period was ?
- No, I have no idea... Annie ? I’m sorry, I’m not using it for anything, so I don’t really keep track.
And God forbid you getting an x-ray :
- Miss Westenhoefer, is there any chance at all that you could be pregnant ?
- No.- Well, are you sexually active ?
- You bet.
- So, what form of birth control do you use ?
- That’s funny… well, actually, we don’t use sperm.
Suzanne Westenhoefer
Someday I want to have kids, and I like to get married, and I don’t know what my wife gonna believes in and I wanna respect her superstitions, you know. So there’s a question how we’re gonna raise our kids but I think I’ve hit upon the perfect solution.
I decided I’m gonna raise my kids to be amish, you know. I can teach that hard working ethic in them, that sense of morals but it will be problems.I’m sure there will be occasions like :”Daddy, how come we never get to watch television or play videogames and you always get to watch television or play videogames, and you get to have the lights on, and we never do… how come you do ?"
“Well, sweetheart, that’s because daddy’s not amish. See, you are dear, that’s what you believe in. Now be a good boy, go upstairs to bed. Got to get up early and harvest my breakfast. Come on, I see you peeking…baby, go to bed… Ahh amish kids…their something.”
David Cross
I learn this on Trivial Pursuit. This is how the golden eagle mate. The male and female go both three miles high and start going 80 miles an hour. And then they connect and start dropping. And they don’t stop dropping until the act is completed. So, it’s not uncommon they both fall all the way to the ground, hit the ground and both of them die. That’s how committed they are to this.
I don’t know about you, but if I’m one of these two birds, you getting close to the ground, I seriously consider faking it.
Ellen DeGeneres
You know when you go to a restaurant and they have a waiting list and star calling out names.
They say like : “Dufrene, party of two. Table ready for Dufrene, party of two.”. And if no one answer, they say the name again: “Dufrene, party of two”. But then, if no one answer they just go to the next name: “Bush, party of three”.
Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrene’s ? No one seems to care. Who can eat on a time like this. People are missing. The Dufrene’s are in someone truck right now with duct tape all over their mouth. And their hungry. We need help. “Bush, search party of three. You can eat when we find the Dufrene’s”.
Mitch Hedberg
There’s a problem in the priesthood. These little kids will not keep their mouth shut, and I think it’s wrong. And the saddest part is that the kids didn’t want to go to church to begin with. It’s boring.
It’s not like you’re molested at camp. Now, there’s excitement. You’re outdoors and you learn shit. Like : “Hey, I was molested but now I know how to canoe. All right."
Dave Attell
I find interesting that when a woman can’t climax it’s our fucking fault, but when we can’t get an erection, we have to go to the doctor.
Carlos Mencia
All religions are the same. I mean religion is basically… guilt with different holydays.
Cathy Ladman
I’d like to meet the chick that invented the blowjob, you know ? What an ingenious idea.
Can you imagine, you’re the first chick ? Think of it.I mean, you’re in a car, nobody’s ever done it, right ? You’re making out with this guy, you thinking: “You know what ? I’m feeling something.” All of a sudden these signals start crossing your brain. And you’re thinking: “I wanna take this guy’s big hairy sweaty cock in my mouth”.
I would shake your hand for that.
Andrew Dice Clay
Not all drugs are good. Some are great.
Bill Hicks
You ever notice all the women that are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place
George Carlin
A guy in Oregon got arrested for animal necrophilia, that’s having sex with death animals, and it’s a felony. That’s kind of weird that they have to write a law to tell us that is wrong.If you got busted for that, what you could possible tell the judge : “Well you Honour, I thought that cat was still alive when I was fucking him. I wouldn’t fuck a death cat, that’s sick.”
Robbert Schimmel
So my eye doctor told me this : You know you have one eye set a litter bit higher than your other eye ?
No, I didn’t know that.He goes : It's no big deal, It doesn’t affect your vision or anything, I just thought you might wanna be self conscious for the rest of your life.
Brian Regan
My fondest childhood memory is when I was 12 years old. I made out with my babysitter Cathy. She’s stop in the meddle of everything : “We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore”.
I said : “Why ? I’m not paying you. My parents are.
Adam Ferrara
I had sex recently. I took out the box of condoms. She takes the box from my hands, look at it and goes : “Hey Tood, good choice”.
Good choice ??. Now, I didn’t expect her to be a virgin, but this is no time to show brand loyalty.
Todd Barry
Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.
Robin Williams
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
Wendy Liebman
Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates ? Naps! End of list.
Dennis Leary
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
Demetri Martin
That would be a mutual fantasy.
Bill Maher
Last year I had difficulty with my income tax. I tried to take my analyst off as a business deduction. The government said it was entertainment. We compromised and he made it a religious contribution.And I found a corporation this year and I’m the president. My mother is vice-president and my father is secretary. My grandmother is treasurer, my uncle is on the board of directors and they got together the first week and try to squeeze me out. Then I found a power-block with my uncle and we send my grandmother to jail.
Woody Allen
People say all the time : “Lesbians hate men. Lesbians hate men. Lesbians hate men”.
Well, how can that be ? They don’t have to fuck them.
Rosanne Barr
I’m from the Midwest and I moved to Los Angeles. And I knew nothing about the Mexican culture. Like Cinco de Mayo, I didn’t even know what it was. My neighbour is Mexican and I asked him. I mean, in the Midwest we call it Tuesday, you know ... I ask him, I go : “What is it ?”
He said : “It’s our independence day”
I go : “Who do you beat ?”
He goes : “The french”.
And I’m like : “Well, who didn’t ?”
Kathleen Madigan
It’s tornado season, and I saw a couple been interviewed on CNN. And the reason was even a tornado was coming towards their house, they refused to move. Even thou their house were on wheels…
And during the interview, the man, with his arm around his wife, was asked by the journalist : “Why aren’t you going ?”. He said : “God will protect us”.
And I thought : Who do you think is sending the tornado ?
Jimmy Carr
Women wanna give us men credit for be complicated. They don’t know. That’s what you get with us. We freak them out. I got a woman friend come over the other day and she was all upset like : “Jake, I don’t understand how can a man wanna have sex with a plastic doll”.She saw one of those inflated sex dolls in a bachelor party. She’s like : “How can a man wanna have sex with a plastic doll ? How can a man wanna put his penis is a plastic doll ?”
And I said : “Well… it’s not plan A. I can’t say for sure, but I think we can a assume that a series of things went wrong to lead up to that plastic doll“
Jake Johannsen
Global warming ? Listen, this sounded legit to me, so I thought I better do some research, I don’t want to piss way on this one, till I know what’s up. I’ve got kids.Well, there’s a lot of different data, but as far as I can gather, the crocks of it is over the last hundred years the temperature of this planet has gone up 1.8 degrees.
Am I the only one who finds that amazingly stabile ? You know something … I’m kind of glad it went up. I’m always a little chilly anyway.
But the environmentalists they don’t want ear it. They get really cranky. They’ll give you that guilt card.
- So what about your kids ?
- Of course I love my kids. I hope they live to be a hundred. It’s another 1.8.
Then they give you :- What about your kids kids ?
- 3.6 … I mean…I just tell them we move to Phoenix or something.
Then they get really crazy on you.- What about your kids kids kids kids kids kids kids ?
- Well, I never gonna meet them. I’d like to tell you they matter, but they don’t. You get around four kids out there… I don’t give a shit anymore. I assume I’ve had relatives thousands years ago who could care less about me. “Well, should I leave the cave today and use a bland instrument to kill a mammoth to get some meat or should I get ready for Dennis’s arrival in the mid nineteenth hundreds ?”
Dennis Miller
Some girls shave their pussies, and I can’t believe that they start doing that for us. I mean, I thought the vagina on its own was perfect. I didn’t think there be anything you could do to make it better, and one day girls were like : “What if you can see it better …?”. And we’re like : “You’re always thinking, aren’t you ? You girls with your crazy vaginas …”.Just when you think you see all the wonders that a vagina has to offer… - Hey! Better visibility.
Mitch Fatel
White women make me real nervous. Like at night when they’re by themselves walking towards
me. And she can be nervous too, I’m a big dude. She might think “Oh Jesus, there’s a big black guy towards me …”. And I’m thinking : “Oh Jesus, I hope nobody kills this white women, cause I’m gonna get blamed for it.”That’s why I do a lot of stuff to protect me. I keep my receipts. I collect receipts. Cause that’s a track where you’ve been. Everywhere I go, I get a receipt, and I never go more than half hour without buying something cause you can kill somebody in half hour.
You need an alibi, you know. So, every fifteen minutes I buy something … a stick of gum …”Can I get a receipt for that, please ?”
- “We don’t have receipts for gum, my friend”
- “Well, you gonna have to write me one or something…I've got to have a receipt”
- “I already tell you, we don’t have receipts”.
And if it’s like that, I just argue with him. So he remembers me, you know what I mean ?
- “Gimme my receipt pussy”
- “What ? What ? Kiss my ass !”
- “Yeah, yeah. Kiss my ass too. What time is it ?“
- “Five fifteen !”
- “All right, I’m good”
And that’s way I don’t throw garbage in the street. It’s not because I care about the earth, but I’m afraid I’ll be walking in the park, drinking a soda, and when I’m done throw it over my shoulder, fly over the bush and land on some dead white women head with my fingerprints on the can. Now I’m the Pepsi- Cola rapist because I’m lazy.
Patrice O’Neal
You know, I’m in my thirties and I love playing video games. Love it. I’m not afraid to admit it. Every girl I’ve dated always says the something to me: “You’re too old to play video games. That’s stupid for somebody your age to be in the video games”.The reason why I like to play video games so much is I can eventually figure it out a video game. I can eventually figure it out what to do right or what to do wrong in a video game. In a relationship I can’t.
And until I can go online to find a cheat code to deal with women… until I can find a way when you came out and start to beaching at me, I can go : “Triangle, square, square, circle, I won…R2, R2”
John Heffron
Guys don’t have the pressure to look good. We can be hundred pounds overweight, we look in the mirror : “Well, that’s look alright”.
We look at ourselves on the mirror the way we look at women when we’re drunk : “I fuck that”
Nick de Paolo
Clinton is a famous man. I’ve dreamt of being famous, but I never dreamt of being that famous. I never understood of how famous a President was.
Imagine if someone could suck your dick and then their famous, you understand what I’m saying ? That’s crazy. No guy ever thought of that. There’s nobody with a pickup line that good : “Hey, suck my dick. There’s a future in it.”
Dave Chapelle
I go to a psychiatrist now. She hates my guts. She said I suffer from delusions of sexual superiority.She just want to fuck me. Get in line, lady.
Jeremy Hotz
There was a time on my life I've dream on being a professional athlete. And then I thought, well, I just wanna be a great athlete, I gonna play basketball all the time, I love sports And then, I just wanna be in good cardiovascular shape.Now ... I just don't wanna have tits.
Dom Irrera
There are definitely places that gay people don’t belong. Like the emergency room. Especially for lesbian, because they ask you all that questions, and you have no answers for :
- Well, Miss Westenhoefer, do you think you can’t tell us when the last day of your period was ?
- No, I have no idea... Annie ? I’m sorry, I’m not using it for anything, so I don’t really keep track.
And God forbid you getting an x-ray :
- Miss Westenhoefer, is there any chance at all that you could be pregnant ?
- No.- Well, are you sexually active ?
- You bet.
- So, what form of birth control do you use ?
- That’s funny… well, actually, we don’t use sperm.
Suzanne Westenhoefer
Someday I want to have kids, and I like to get married, and I don’t know what my wife gonna believes in and I wanna respect her superstitions, you know. So there’s a question how we’re gonna raise our kids but I think I’ve hit upon the perfect solution. I decided I’m gonna raise my kids to be amish, you know. I can teach that hard working ethic in them, that sense of morals but it will be problems.I’m sure there will be occasions like :”Daddy, how come we never get to watch television or play videogames and you always get to watch television or play videogames, and you get to have the lights on, and we never do… how come you do ?"
“Well, sweetheart, that’s because daddy’s not amish. See, you are dear, that’s what you believe in. Now be a good boy, go upstairs to bed. Got to get up early and harvest my breakfast. Come on, I see you peeking…baby, go to bed… Ahh amish kids…their something.”
David Cross
I learn this on Trivial Pursuit. This is how the golden eagle mate. The male and female go both three miles high and start going 80 miles an hour. And then they connect and start dropping. And they don’t stop dropping until the act is completed. So, it’s not uncommon they both fall all the way to the ground, hit the ground and both of them die. That’s how committed they are to this.I don’t know about you, but if I’m one of these two birds, you getting close to the ground, I seriously consider faking it.
Ellen DeGeneres
You know when you go to a restaurant and they have a waiting list and star calling out names.
They say like : “Dufrene, party of two. Table ready for Dufrene, party of two.”. And if no one answer, they say the name again: “Dufrene, party of two”. But then, if no one answer they just go to the next name: “Bush, party of three”. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrene’s ? No one seems to care. Who can eat on a time like this. People are missing. The Dufrene’s are in someone truck right now with duct tape all over their mouth. And their hungry. We need help. “Bush, search party of three. You can eat when we find the Dufrene’s”.
Mitch Hedberg
There’s a problem in the priesthood. These little kids will not keep their mouth shut, and I think it’s wrong. And the saddest part is that the kids didn’t want to go to church to begin with. It’s boring.
It’s not like you’re molested at camp. Now, there’s excitement. You’re outdoors and you learn shit. Like : “Hey, I was molested but now I know how to canoe. All right."
Dave Attell
I find interesting that when a woman can’t climax it’s our fucking fault, but when we can’t get an erection, we have to go to the doctor.Carlos Mencia
All religions are the same. I mean religion is basically… guilt with different holydays.
Cathy Ladman
I’d like to meet the chick that invented the blowjob, you know ? What an ingenious idea.
Can you imagine, you’re the first chick ? Think of it.I mean, you’re in a car, nobody’s ever done it, right ? You’re making out with this guy, you thinking: “You know what ? I’m feeling something.” All of a sudden these signals start crossing your brain. And you’re thinking: “I wanna take this guy’s big hairy sweaty cock in my mouth”.
I would shake your hand for that.
Andrew Dice Clay
Not all drugs are good. Some are great.
Bill Hicks
You ever notice all the women that are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place
George Carlin
A guy in Oregon got arrested for animal necrophilia, that’s having sex with death animals, and it’s a felony. That’s kind of weird that they have to write a law to tell us that is wrong.If you got busted for that, what you could possible tell the judge : “Well you Honour, I thought that cat was still alive when I was fucking him. I wouldn’t fuck a death cat, that’s sick.”Robbert Schimmel
So my eye doctor told me this : You know you have one eye set a litter bit higher than your other eye ?
No, I didn’t know that.He goes : It's no big deal, It doesn’t affect your vision or anything, I just thought you might wanna be self conscious for the rest of your life.
Brian Regan
My fondest childhood memory is when I was 12 years old. I made out with my babysitter Cathy. She’s stop in the meddle of everything : “We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore”. I said : “Why ? I’m not paying you. My parents are.
Adam Ferrara
I had sex recently. I took out the box of condoms. She takes the box from my hands, look at it and goes : “Hey Tood, good choice”.
Good choice ??. Now, I didn’t expect her to be a virgin, but this is no time to show brand loyalty.
Todd Barry
Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.
Robin Williams
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
Wendy Liebman
Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates ? Naps! End of list.
Dennis Leary
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
Demetri Martin
Especial aniversário [4]
Especial aniversário [3]
Caixas de comprimidos «» O espaço de leitura da Fnac «» José Magalhães «» Carla Hilário Quevedo «» Desfiles GayDesfiles Gay «» A faceta clubista do Miguel Sousa Tavares «» Os nomes do Sporting «» Pessoas que compram os livros de blogs «» Livros para Totós «» Porque é que quase toda a gente quando se quer referir à Sonae em vez de dizer o nome da empresa diz “o Belmiro”, ou quando muito “o Belmiro de Azevedo” ? «» Etiquetas Inteligentes do MS Word «» Alerta SIC
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- COMEDY CENTRAL
- 100 Greatest Standups of All Time
- 01 - Richard Pryor
- 02 - George Carlin
- 03 - Lenny Bruce
- 04 - Woody Allen
- 05 - Chris Rock
- 06 - Steve Martin
- 07 - Rodney Dangerfield
- 08 - Bill Cosby
- 09 - Roseanne Barr
- 10 - Eddie Murphy
- 11 - Johnny Carson
- 12 - Jerry Seinfeld
- 13 - Robin Williams
- 14 - Bob Newhart
- 15 - David Letterman
- 16 - Ellen DeGeneres
- 17 - Don Rickles
- 18 - Jonathan Winters
- 19 - Bill Hicks
- 20 - Sam Kinison
- 21 - Dennis Miller
- 22 - Robert Klein
- 23 - Steven Wright
- 24 - Redd Foxx
- 25 - Bob Hope
- 26 - Ray Romano
- 27 - Jay Leno
- 28 - Jack Benny
- 29 - Milton Berle
- 30 - Garry Shandling
- 31 - George Burns
- 32 - Albert Brooks
- 33 - Andy Kaufman
- 34 - Buddy Hackett
- 35 - Phyllis Diller
- 36 - Jim Carrey
- 37 - Martin Lawrence
- 38 - Bill Maher
- 39 - Billy Crystal
- 40 - Mort Sahl
- 41 - Jon Stewart
- 42 - Flip Wilson
- 43 - Dave Chappelle
- 44 - Joan Rivers
- 45 - Richard Lewis
- 46 - Adam Sandler
- 47 - Henny Youngman
- 48 - Tim Allen
- 49 - Freddie Prinze
- 50 - Denis Leary
- 51 - Lewis Black
- 52 - Damon Wayans
- 53 - David Brenner
- 54 - DL Hughley
- 55 - Alan King
- 56 - Colin Quinn
- 57 - Richard Jeni
- 58 - Larry Miller
- 59 - Gilbert Gottfried
- 60 - Jeff Foxworthy
- 61 - Bobcat Goldthwait
- 62 - Eddie Griffin
- 63 - Jackie Mason
- 64 - Richard Belzer
- 65 - Sinbad
- 66 - Shelley Berman
- 67 - Kevin Pollak
- 68 - Dave Attell
- 69 - Pat Cooper
- 70 - Wanda Sykes
- 71 - Red Buttons
- 72 - Bernie Mac
- 73 - Elayne Boosler
- 74 - Paul Rodriguez
- 75 - Eddie Izzard
- 76 - Robert Schimmel
- 77 - Paul Reiser
- 78 - Cedric the Entertainer
- 79 - Dom Irrera
- 80 - Bobby Slayton
- 81 - Dick Gregory
- 82 - Howie Mandel
- 83 - Norm MacDonald
- 84 - Drew Carey
- 85 - David Cross
- 86 - Jay Mohr
- 87 - Brett Butler
- 88 - Paula Poundstone
- 89 - Kevin James
- 90 - Dana Carvey
- 91 - Jim Breuer
- 92 - Louie Anderson
- 93 - George Wallace
- 94 - David Alen Grier
- 95 - Andrew Dice Clay
- 96 - Joey Bishop
- 97 - Sandra Bernhard
- 98 - Louis CK
- 99 - Janeane Garofalo
- 100 - Gallagher
